One Crazy F***ed Up Adventure

Well, reading from my last post "St.Patrick Day Sucks", I WAS gonna post that day. But there was somthing that I did't post in it. I was sad and I kinda...well, cryed that day. I don't know why, I just did, I was really sad. But anyways, I was planning to post another thread for this blog at lunch but guess what! The counselor came and saw me on Friday, said I was "Unsafe" to be on school ground cuz I was sad n junk, so they had to make me go see a therapist/psychiatrist. We contacted them all, but all were booked for like 3 months dealing with other wack-jobs or just going on holiday. Last option was to go to the ER in Munson. It sucked so bad... they wanded me, (to see if I got any things to hurt myself I guess) they made me wear a friggin gown, they took my blood and urine sample. I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE THERE. I felt like one of those psychos in one of those movies but I was sane. So they kept me in this room for like 5 hours with NOTHING to do. Then a ambulance had to drive me all the way down to Grand Rapids to go to a mental hospital for teens/adolescents called "Pine Rest" which took 2 friggin hours! My parents couldn't drive me there because it was against regulation. And I got there in like what? 11PM!!! I had to wait til they inspected me and gave me a room and whatever, which took ANOTHER 2 hours... So i did't get to bed at 1 AM? Oh, did I mention I was still wearing that gown? Yeah... it sucked bad. And i'm still not done. When I got to my room, I thought I would inspect my room. Why? Well, its a wacked out hospital with crazy patients that want to either kill themselves or kill others. (what I thought at first) So I found some writing on the walls saying "I made me do it.", "LIFE", and "I'm sorry". It was pretty scary. There were dents in the wall because somebody probably threw a chair at the wall. Maybe thats why I did't have a chair in my room? Anyways, the worst part of it all. Scratches were all over the wall. You had to look close but it was ALL over the wall. I was like "wow".

But thats not all. The next day. DAY 1. It sucked. I was new (and apparently some other people too) and I did't know anybody. But here's the thing. I thought I was messed up in the head for being depressed and having suicidal thoughts. There were a couple people there at Pine Rest that were there for a Year!!! Regular discharge is 5-7 days. They were there for a year. That's crazy. But whats crazy is its SUPER boring! No electronics like Phones or Ipod, No Shoelaces, No Hoodies with Strings, Not allowed to touch each other for like a High Five or a Hand Shake. Constant Vitals, Therapy, Quiet Time... yeah, we had a quiet time. It wasn't so bad actually. Haha, I was so bored I would just like fall asleep when I flopped on the bed. But then again there were dosing me this sleep aid. I'm still taking it as we speak! We could't go outside! We couldn't watch tv! Only stupid Disney movies. They kept playing the lion king because nobody cared and the same kid kept requesting it. (sigh). The only thing that kept me going there was UNO, and Handball. I wasn't really allowed to do handball, but they did't care. I had this little stress ball. I loved it so much. That thing kept me going. And I still have it! But its so worn out from all the handball. Jeez. But after the first couple of days it gets kinda better, in fact. I thought all that therapy was stupid. But it really helped. It did actually.

When I got out. oh my god. I cannot describe my emotion in words. But its like when a convict got out of prison after 20 years and he changed his ways. I had to spend a week there. To me, it was FOREVER. To the other guys at school. It was just a week to them. Nothing exciting ever happened at school when I was gone. Well, at least I got out on spring break. Its still spring break now, and I haven't had any suicidal thoughts or depression what so ever. Its great. I love life now! Glad to be back I say! And I honestly can't wait to get back to school for some stupid reason.

St. Patrick's Day!!! (sucks)

(sigh) Been a while since I've posted in a while huh? Well, not my fault. Just going through alot of crap lately. Mostly spiritually and self esteem wise, and a bit of negative Karma. I'm not sure whats going on. I mean I've been minding my own business lately, so there shouldn't be no negative Karma there right? But I don't know whats going on ya know? Kinda sucks. And when I say words, people think the opposite meaning like for example. Not long ago in a Global Studies class, we had to act out a certain thing in Eastern Asia or something. Well supposedly these two girls I know were doing the same thing me and my acquaintance "Oreo" were gonna do. Something about Vietnam. (actually me and Oreo were doing the same thing the two girls were doing...just saying) Anyways, in both of our skits we all had to die. (pretend of course) So the two girls went first and I thought they were doing a awesome job. But when they had to die, I said "That's Terrible!".

People looked at me like, "Wtf dude, they were doing a good job, don't dis them cuz there girls." But that's not what I ment! I ment like that was terrible that they had to die you know! I was kinda complimenting them. But they didn't care, they still stared at me. I felt like an idiot. So lately i'm trying not to talk so I don't say something stupid to say again. But that's not all. The reason why the title of this post is called St. Patrick's Day!!! (sucks), is Karma is biting me in the arse harder than ever... I spilled my super hot chocolate on my green sweater. I spilled it again but on my homework, then I tripped and people laughed, and I forgot to charge my battery on my Ipod. If just hope things don't get any worse than this. Well than again, i'm typing this in school so i'm not even sure if i'm allowed to do this. So like. I guess i'll post a "Part 2" on this later today. To at least get my blog up and going again.

Another thing. For anybody that does read my blog. Follow me on my Grooveshark Acc! It kinda makes me feel alil bit better that people listen to what I listen too and feel what I kinda feel.
So i'm gonna post the html for a Grooveshark Playlist. Listen to it. You might actually like it!
Drown in Sorrow.
(friken thing won't show...its actually above this. Just look at your mouse to see the finger thing)
Posted by Jacob Sivley/Cooldud21
"PEACEvsANARCHY"

Fat Pigs still run! (just not very fast)

I feel slow today. Because this entire weekend I just pigged out. I'm gonna just take a guess on the calories... maybe around 8000? WAHHHHH!!!! I feel so fat right now its not funny! (sigh) ok well. At least I can burn all that this week. Because this week i'm going to be swamped with hmwk and exercise. I just wish that school was easier than it was. Geometry is so hard now! Some people like Jayson A. and Caleb V. get it almost instantly while i'm left behind to figure it out myself and not understand it at all.

I also sleep too much. Not because i'm tired, but because i'm trying to escape reality "without" the use of drugs. I just hate going through the same schedule every single day! I used to smoke pot (and technically still do, but I haven't ever since my parents found my stash) to escape and go to what I call the inner circle of the mind...or, "Quadrant 69". Pots not like a super psychoanalytic drug. But if I was with friends and we were smoking, I would be all like, "Woooo, lets go too Quadrant 69!!!" and we would just screw around and junk. It was fun.

(sigh) yup. So this week all just going to exercise! Thats the plan! :D

Posted by Jacob Sivley/Cooldud21
"PEACEvsANARCHY"

Time Fly's when its close to Valentines!

Ok, well I know I haven't been posting in a while. But its because I saw my grades on Monday and lets just say my parents are thinking about taking away my Xbox. And now its Friday and i'm bored. I wanted Cory to come over but he couldn't. I wanted Darion to come over but he couldn't. I wanted Mac to come over but he's hanging with Logan. And I even wanted my neighbor to kinda come over for like a hour or two but he couldn't either! So i'm stuck at home alone again bored outta my mind. If I could do three things it would be this...
1. Get my License so I can cruise over to ER and do whatever. (probably just waste time lol)
2. Go downstate to see my cousin Trevor.
3. Teleport to England or Ireland. (probably just waste time there too lol)

SO! Valentines is coming up! And i'm probably the only person that doesn't really care for it coming up. For one I don't really understand it, supposedly with love or whatever. And second, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking, but not love. When I see people doing luvvy duvvy shit, I think there just fake. Doing it because they "think" they love each other. I'm probably wrong and most likely wrong. But I don't really care. I never really loved anyone before, I mean I care for people, but not like in a way love could speak for. I think people just wanna FUCK as much as possible, spread the seed, reproduce. All bullshit!

If there is a "was" a person out there for me. I don't think I would be good at this so called "love". Like I said, I don't believe in it.

Posted by Jacob Sivley/Cooldud21
"PEACEvsANARCHY"

Problems and Solutions...then Kool-Aid!

Ok, well I had a snow day on Wednesday and it was pretty cool, and by cool and mean cold! The wind was like WOOOOOOOSH!!! and that means it was cold. Anyway's so far so good at school, have lots of friends, friends like me for who I am, good grades amazingly! (I think Karma's got my back for that one) and lots of Peace Tea. Its good and great. But there is one thing that won't stop clawing at my back. Riley W. I know he's a funny guy ok, every time I see him in a hallway, he's laughing and having a good time with his friends and that's good. But then he'll walk over to me and call me faggot and push me into a locker! I have no idea what I did to him but jeezus it hurts! He'll give me the middle finger without reason, and he'll just stare at me, just a weird stare. I know he wants to hurt me but he doesn't got the balls for it. And if he does try something. lets say I already had this planned. Not just for me in particular, but for others. Anyways why he does this to me I have no idea. I done nothing to him and he just treats me like im nothing. I "would" play his game and be obnoxious and be persistent in ticking him off, but I would rather he be my friend then him constantly trying to stab me in the back constantly. I'm a nice guy, he's a nice guy, but seriously Riley...grow up dude, let it go.

In other cases, if anybody has heard of the band "The Offspring". Good for you :D haha
I just been listening to them alot lately and its like empowering in a way. But if I could. I would so go back in time to the early 80's where punk originated and drive down the street super fast listening to The Offspring, and headbanging. Then I would probably get a Coca-Cola for about 50 cents. YEAH!!! :D

Jacobs Back "B3TCH'ZZZ"!!! :D

AH-HA!!! Got my happy go lucky smile back on me face! Feels great! I can't really believe I was sad about stuff, I knew I just had to give it time and it would go away. But now I feel that I just got to the tip of the iceberg. But I bet i'll be ready for whatever life is going to throw at me next! Karma's got my back baby!

Anyway's now that i'm happy, lets talk about happy stuff! Okah, lets see, well this weekend was awesome. Had a bud over and we just hanged out laughing at stuff people wouldn't usually laugh at which makes it awesome. But the most not interesting thing for most but very interesting for me was that I was on YouTube the other day. And I happen to come across a video that caught my attention, "Fight Zombies with your Bare Hands!!!". I kinda knew it was bullshit because you really can't without getting infected, but I thought it would be funny to laugh at so I loaded it. And it was the most stupidest thing I ever saw. 3 Asian guys (not trying to be racist) "supposedly" knew how to fight zombies with there bare hands. Well I found 2 flaws...
1. It was obvious the 3 guys never bothered to try Karate, even though there Asian.
2. There technique was fucking bullshit...it was that bad
I was very disappointed in this video with the lack of effort and thought. But then they sent me a message from my user ID, and they actually thanked me for the zombie knowledge! That was the first time I was actually thanked for knowing my zombies. I was actually surprized! But now I kinda want to take back the flaws I found in there video. But hopefully they'll make another. :D


OTHER THAN THAT IM HAPPY!!!

Posted by Jacob Sivley/Cooldud21

"PEACEvsANARCHY"

Am I really this sad?!?!

Wow, this really surprises me. I'm never this sad about stuff. I wanted this blog to be about happy thoughts! Ah well. It's my blog. But seriously I can not stop thinking about...well. Suicidal thoughts! Its crazy! But I just wish people would acknowledged me for just being there! But no. I'm constantly ignored, and laughed at. I just want people to like me! Is that to hard to ask!

Probably, lol. So anyways, at least I got some friends. Cory C, Darion T, & Mac C. Probably the best friends i'm ever gonna get. There the best! Always making me smile and I make them smile. It's awesome. But I had two other friends that were my best friends...But. not anymore. Marcus S, & Matt C.

Marcus, man we hit it friendship the first day we met in 6th Grade. And he was the best! Always almost every weekend we would hang out! But ever since the last day of school in 9th Grade. I called him something he takes very seriously. And all I wanted was him to sign my little autograph book! But he just kept walking away. Idk why, but it got me frustrated chasing after him. So I said "something". He stopped. and walked away. Sucks now. He won't talk to me. I try to say i'm sorry but he won't bother.

Matt, also known as "Hamster" because he looked like one. Haha. He was awesome back then. But ever since 10th grade. He met this girl named Brittney, and well, he just stopped hanging with me, and I guess others too. But ever since he's been hanging with her, he changed alot. Just he was a completely different Matt than I knew. Anyways, I have no problems between Matt or Brittney, I just want to hang out with Matt like old times.

(sigh) wow. I miss having friends. I used to have alot of friends, and 5 BEST FRIENDS. Now I barely got any friends and only 3 Best friends now. I'm afraid to lose anymore.

Mabye for just one day, I would like it if every one in the school just got together and had a big group hug for me. It would mean so much to me man...it would probably make me cry just to know i'm not ignored! : )

Posted by Jacob Sivley/Cooldud21

"PEACEvsANARCHY"

(sigh)

In all my life I never felt this sad in forever. And I have no idea what's causing it. Its not like i'm sad for some girl leaving me, (like I ever had a girl :/) or somebody in my family died recently. None of that. I just keep telling myself that people are secretly laughing behind my back and I have no idea what to do. I keep escaping to my music but that just makes it worst. Sure it makes me feel better, but I don't know what to do... It just makes me sad. I may look happy and carefree. Because that's my inside telling my outside what to do. I want to look happy so people don't think of anything of me. But when I do act happy and carefree. I might do something wrong that might make people laugh at me. I hate it so much.

(sigh)

I don't think anybody is really going to read this. But, if anybody is. I need help please. I know some people are helping me now which makes me feel better. But, I want people to know how I feel. I want ALL the people that made me feel bad about myself...to let them know how I feel. I want them to feel sad. Of what they did to me. But i'm focusing all my hate on one person. I won't display his name. But I want him to understand on what he did to me. that's all...

Um, other than that. I guess that's it for this post. I'll post more sooner or later when I get the time. So for all the people out there that get me. Peace.

OH! One more thing! If people really want to know how I feel...They should listen to these songs.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeLGwrlUMTM
(um, its not called lonely day in this one. its called roulette.)

Posted by Jacob Sivley/Cooldud21

"PEACEvsANARCHY"

Too long is too long!!!

Hmmm...haven't posted in a while. Soooo...yeah :P

Posted by Jacob Sivley/Cooldud21

"PEAVEvsANARCHY"